Reluctant Defiance

reconnecting

2009-07-20T17:44:00.006-05:00

what an interesting, ironic and somewhat humorous transition! my last post of several months ago included a journal entry from my trip to Taize. and now, here i sit. in my own new, fledgling community. quietly. listening to the rain and the cars wooshing outside. the old, beat up window painted a pale and cracking yellow is half open. i can feel the gentle breeze come flowing in over the room, swirling around me. my bright white ipod headphones play me my brother's music, perfect for this weather.

it has been hard. it has been discouraging. it has been frustrating. it has been trying. it has been crying.

and it has been good.

p.s. seriously give my brother a listen. i think recovery is by far one of his best songs yet, the most developed and polished. wear headphones or you'll miss the more subtle parts that make music worth listening to. love you bro.

wednesday, march 18th 2009 @ 8:00pm

2009-04-30T00:14:00.006-05:00

taizé church

taizé, france

taizé is such a beautiful and creative place! God has placed within us such a great capacity to create and we are using it less and less. we pay others to create for us. we produce instead of creating. how much uglier the world is because of this! how much less joy. how much less beauty. oh that i were able to set my heart free to create as it was made to do! music, spaces, crafts - useful, simple, beautiful things. may our community in kansas city be such a place, full of simple beauty. may people be drawn to a place of your peace, Lord. show us what that looks like. show us what to create, and for what purpose. put in our hearts a song, and in our minds images of what to do. let it be beautiful. let us not stifle our creativity, the image of who you are, the Creator. let us display to a dying and ugly place your image through creativity. gardens? repaint rooms? songs?

some truths i feel i've had my eyes opened to:

God speaks in what is small and humble.
Life is a gift and therefore it must be given.
God is the Creator, not the Producer.

sunday, march 15th 2009 @ 1:30pm

2009-04-28T20:41:00.014-05:00

plaza near louvre

paris, france

paris is quieter than any u.s. city i've been to. small engines probably. i like to ride subways. a scene made me smile as we rode into france. we slowly pulled away from the station and i noticed a couple sitting on a bench. the girl laid her head on her guy's shoulder, sat up, smiled, said something to him. the guy, plain faced, looked over as she was speaking and gently smiled. we picked up speed and we pulled away. riding backwards, the scene drifted into the distance, into the past, becoming a memory. i miss laura.

i bet if i knew french this place would feel different. what are french people like? are they nice? happier in general? this is a whole new world to me. what is the church like here? i know the american church and its problems - what is the church like here? what is the nominal perception of Christianity? is it right-wing crazies? or something else? what do house churches look like here? i wish i could meet with a committed Christian to find out.

this place is not at war. it does not have a ton of troops in the middle east. in fact, it doesn't win many wars. it has been occupied. that is a humbling thing. i wonder if that history affects how people are educated. they are not taught that they are the best and that no one else is stronger. i wonder if that makes them more gracious?

i would hate being a tourist here but i think i would really enjoy living here. i really want to learn another language and live abroad. just work for ends meat and live in another culture. maybe with an order/community?

Lord, thank you so much for life and this break from school. please watch over laura and i during this time apart. give us wisdom for next year in kansas city. keep us safe so we can spread (or make known) your kingdom in 64130. thank you for providing a place for us to live next year. you knew we needed shelter and we didn't even have to look for it. you simply provided. thank you!

saturday, march 13th, 2009 @ 6:56pm

2009-04-28T00:20:00.008-05:00

(in the next few entries i'd like to share with you some of the writings from my journal during my trip to france. well, here it goes...)

port royale hotel

paris, france

just arrived in europe for the first time. france has an interesting feel to it. very diverse. washington was very busy - we almost missed our flight. murder factory this summer. how much time do i have left? i feel so disconnected from the people here. and i hate museums. after touring the washington mall and flying to paris, seeing the louvre, notre dame, etc. all in 30 hours, i am exhausted.

enjoyed riding the subway backwards into paris from charles de gaulle. each stop was a microcosm of people groups. some of the edges, it seems here, are the poor working classes. graffiti absolutely everywhere. how do i love these people? i don't feel i can relate. are there soup kitchens here? i'm tired for now. hopefully tomorrow will bring more meaningful thoughts.

the way i feel so surreal

2009-04-20T22:22:00.005-05:00

oh had i known the road would go

along this way through fallen snow

stained red by those who didn't know

i would not go, i would not go

if ever i knew of the way

that some day the price i'd pay

to lay down and die today

i would not stay, i would not stay

though you may think that you would drink

of all the cups filled to the brink

until you've inked yourself with pink

it's just a wink, just a wink

to throw your lot into the pot

and trust the Lord will fail you not

to keep you from disease and rot

it's all you've got, it's all you've got

renovation and you : a labor of love

2009-04-19T22:04:00.009-05:00

this weekend i went to the building we'll be living in next year to poke around, make arrangements for next week's work day, and to investigate installing a shower. the day left me drained, excited, and somewhat weary of what lies ahead (no, not beneath). as i was sitting in the car thinking about the life i could be having - the one with the new car payment, the nice safe apartment NOT in the ghetto with clean stylish furnishings and perfect climate control - i found myself evaluating the whole situation. "man, this just seems like an awful lot of work," i said to myself. "will it even work out? will it be worth it? it would be so much easier to even do this in a building that wasn't so old and run down. or a new one. just build a new one and live in the ghetto."

ah, yes. but that is the problem, isn't it? how easy it is to raise money for an idea. it happens all the time. someone has a vision, a plan. they get an architect and lay out on paper God's master plan for the community for the next 100 years. then they raise money, purchase land, and millions of dollars later that vision becomes a reality. well, the building part at least.

how much harder, and how much less certain, is the work of renovation. there is no clean slate, no nice new designs. there is, however, history. there are the marks and remnants of other people from the past. there's the unexpected. the labor. the cost. the sense that all this work would be so much easier if we were to just tear down and make it all new. restoring is much harder than building new.

and yet this is the work of Jesus in our lives. yes, we are a new creation. the old has gone and the new has come. but we must also take off our old selves with their practices and put on the new selves, which are being renewed in knowledge in the image of our Creator. He makes all things new. He makes them new. we are being renewed. in that mysterious way, we are 100% new in God's eyes, without imperfection. and yet we are being renewed. Jesus has guaranteed the destination while preventing our missteps from becoming a hinderance to us approaching the Father along the way.

so i like to think of this whole 'living in the church thing' as a work of renovation. i think there's value in renovation as opposed to building new. i think it's what Jesus wants to do with all of us. it may not be easy for us, but he has already taken care of the part we had no hope of fixing ourselves and placed us in a position to be in relationship with the Father.

what do you think about all this? what value do you see in renovation - of objects or in general? is the image of God in us what makes us love to fix up old things and make them useful? why are restored things often worth so much more and considered more beautiful than the prefabricated newness we can buy in the store? is this the image of God's desire in us to perform a renovation of the heart? is the end result of that work of more value than all else?

Lives Worth Taking?

2009-04-14T23:58:00.014-05:00

You've probably already heard by now of the rescue of Captain Phillips by US Navy Seals off the coast of Somalia earlier this week (Easter in fact). One of the 4 pirates was aboard the USS Bainbridge for medical treatment. The remaining 3 guarded the captain. They had been without food or water for several days and had run out of fuel. Eventually the Somali pirates arranged for food and water to be taken to the stranded vessel, and they accepted a 200' tow from the destroyer.

The long and short of it was this: The tow rope was shortened to 100', the Captain's life appeared to be in immediate danger as evening came, and three snipers took the lives of each of the three pirates still on board with a single shot. I was saddened to read that John Reinhart, CEO of Maesrk Line Ltd. who owns the ship, had this to say. "Everyone's worked around the clock. It's magnificent to see the outcome." This seems to be most everyone's reaction. A feel good story with some old fashioned American hard work and a happy ending.

Except that 3 people lost their lives. I'm glad that the Captain is safe, but is there no remorse that it came to this? Are these Somalis worth anything? Maybe if we had stayed in Somalia during the Black Hawk Down incident we wouldn't have desperate people turning to piracy. Who were these people? Were they hardened criminals, warlords? Have they ever killed anyone before? Or were they family men, desperate to make money somehow to avoid starvation? Commandeer a ship and get paid millions without even touching a single sailor - that seems like a pretty good deal. Was this their first time? Were they terrified when they became surrounded by American warships? The Somali who was aboard the Bainbridge was seeking medical treatment for a gash he received during the hijacking. This doesn't sound like somone out to harm people. It sounds more like a cry for help.

Who where these people? I guess we'll never know.

Now there is a deeper issue here, one far more complicated than a simple hijacking. What was left of the country's legitimate local economy is now being destroyed by piracy. Some are getting rich. Other fisherman can't sell their seafood because ships won't sail into port through Somalia's costal waters for fear of being attacked. There is so much that is wrong with this situation, I do not intend to oversimplify by focusing on a sole, isolated incident. I am saddened and relieved by what took place this past Easter, however, we need to wake up to the rest of the problem, not just care when it only affects us directly. A final thought:

"Indeed, that was an apt and true reply which was given to Alexander the Great by a pirate who had been seized. For when that king had asked the man what he meant by keeping hostile possession of the sea, he answered with bold pride, 'What thou meanest by seizing the whole earth; but because I do it with a petty ship, I am called a robber, whilst thou who dost it with a great fleet art styled emperor.'"

Saint Augustine's The City of God

holy ground prayer service

2009-04-09T15:52:00.009-05:00

last night i attended a prayer service at st. theresa little flower, a catholic church in an area the kansas city star recently labeled the 'murder factory.' my wife and i, along with a group of close friends, will be moving to this zip code in a few weeks and decided to make the trip from manhattan to be a part of this prayer service.

it is somewhat of a long story, how this all came to be, and so i'll spare you the details except for a few important ones. God laid kansas city on the heart of a member of our group last semester, and he began to seek direction as to what exactly obedience to this call would look like. meanwhile, my wife and i knew we were headed back to kansas city after i graduated to work, and wanted to resist the temptation of getting literally caught in a lifestyle of selfish spending on ourselves. we began looking into other areas to live besides the ones we had known, and gradually we found that the Lord was leading us down a similar path as our friend. we began praying together with a few others who were interested, asking God to give us direction on where to live and that he would lead people to our group if they were meant to live in community with us. long story short, he brought together a group of 5 people and provided a place for us to live, which happens to be in the so-called murder factory, zip code 64130. God truly does care for his children - he knew we needed a place to lay our heads at night and he laid it in our laps!

attending the prayer service last night was interesting and a little surreal; i felt my presence there was mostly as an observer rather than a participant. though i felt unsure of how to engage with this new culture i am unfamiliar with, i enjoyed it greatly! just to be there, to be at the prayer meeting for the area in which God has called us to live was wonderful. we were actually there! we had a presence! i can't wait to move into the neighborhood. it's going to be more difficult than i think i realize, but i'm ready to give all that He has made me to be for the task that has been laid before me.

you who listen

2009-04-06T23:09:00.007-05:00

several weeks ago i spent two days and three nights in complete silence. i was at taizé, an ecumenical monastery in france, located in a small town for which the monastery is named. something i noticed about the brothers is how quiet and soft spoken they were. and what good listeners! in meeting with the young people after evening prayer, they simply stood there and for the most part, listened. young people have said that they feel accepted at taizé, that they feel at home. maybe this is why.

so what's with all the blogging? is this our attempt to be known, to be heard? during my time of silence (which i may write more about later) i found such a greater capacity to delve into other people, even without communicating with them. i simply watched, observed - listened but from the edges. it was wonderful. i could focus my attention on them without my mouth blurting out my own opinions and desires. and never in those two days did i ever complain about a single thing. i found that as soon as i kept myself from getting in the way, i could really experience a person - a unique being - in a richer way.

has the blank page of a post yet unwritten become the one who knows us best? the one who does not interrupt our thoughts, who lets our personality birth ideas unhindered? does it let us take them back while trying to find the right words, all without saying, "is this what you mean?" it gives us the relaxed and un-pressured space we need to be ourselves.

it's funny. i'm not sure i could have said all that in person.

betterment vs. development

2009-04-06T00:11:00.005-05:00

check out this link to a short podcast discussing the issue of how the Church wrestles with the issue of poverty. handouts vs. no handouts? should i give the guy on the corner $5? very interesting, very encouraging!

help! my brain is fat

2009-04-03T14:45:00.013-05:00

i finally watched the shawshank redemption last night and at long last discovered what all the fuss was about. what a fantastic movie! i rarely want to watch movies over again, even if i've seen them in the past few years. but i would watch this again, almost immediately.

i feel like there is a whole world of movies out there that i haven't seen, some for good reasons, others for - well, really no reason at all. i used to be opposed to movies with certain types of content or views. not because the movies are bad, but because i think that marketing and media can have a very powerful effect on us if we're not careful, and that's the reason why i stayed away from certain things. i still do. movies like saw ix have no redemptive value or anything to glean from the storyline, except that perhaps there are some very sick and twisted people out there who delight in doing evil (seriously, not 'evil' like certain christians might label a product, but real, active evil.) but i regret that i haven't seen more movies. movies that can explore issues of life in an engaging and artful, sometimes very beautiful way. i'm finding that i don't mind if people cuss or blood is shown in movies that address heavy issues in a real setting. would i take saving private ryan seriously if people were running around dying off screen and screaming, 'gosh dangit!' all the time? to be honest i would probably laugh. beacuse clearly, that is completely unrealistic and falls embarrassingly short of any legitimate attempt at representation. it would be taken as a joke. (on a side note, when the passion of the christ came out i curiously observed pastors everywhere brushing aside the movie's R-rating, saying it was rated R for 'realism.' really? hmm. perhaps for the most part that's what it always stood for?)

but this brings up another topic, one that really bothers me. there are some movies that portray death in a very visceral way. brad pitt getting shot in burn after reading for example. and when people in a theater burst out laughing, i can't help but think, why are you laughing? what is there to laugh about here? now don't get me wrong, i love satire - how it pokes fun at things that are wrong with society. i think satire is key in certain situations. it can diffuse tense moments in a non-confrontational manner or reveal truths in a humorous light.

although i think satire has a very important role to play in a thinking society, i believe it has a very dangerous one in a non-thinking (consumerist) society.

when people sit down in a theater to be 'entertained,' i think many shut off their brains. it's just a movie, just for fun. well that's fine if you're watching space jam, but if you're watching something serious, or even something portrayed in a serious way (satirical) then i think it's a problem. we have to choose how we engage with what we put into our minds. if people are nonchalantly getting blown away in a satirical attempt to show how much we have devalued human life, or how easily it is thown away, then get in there and wrestle with it. don't just laugh it off. please don't just laugh it off.

what has happened is that the humor in satire has become good enough (or just enough) to attract viewers who don't want to think but only want to laugh. and even if you recognize something as satirical, but don't engage with it, then the vehicle through which the parody is created (usually something culturally unacceptable, for shock value) gradually becomes acceptable. and so we have people who can quote monty python and the holy grail because it's funny without thinking about why exactly that is. we know that their interactions with God are irreverant and point to truths (albeit in a humorous way) about how people perceive God, yet we fail to realize that it's funny precisely because this perception is untrue. it's rediculous, and therein lies the humor. but we gradually become comfortable with the god portrayed in those scenes, and the line blurs between what is true, and what is a true representation of a false perception.

how important this is! how critical! slow down for a second and think about what you're watching. what is the message here? is there one? is that a message in itself? we need to be careful about what we consume. after all, this is america. spoon feeding our brains large amounts of undigested entertainment will only lead to intellectual obesity.

monsters vs. aliens

2009-04-01T15:53:00.002-05:00

best 3D movie i've ever seen. ridiculously expensive but ridiculously hilarious. stephen colbert is president. need i say more?

Belonging Happens Before Believing Happens Before Behaving

2009-03-31T14:43:00.004-05:00

As we seek to live in community and serve as a place of reconciliation next year, this short entry by Floyd McClung points out a few things we might keep in mind.

We ask people to believe in something before they belong to it. Jesus asked his followers to belong to his movement before he asked them to believe. He understood that belief is not a set of propositions to give ascent to, but a person to know, love and then obey. Jesus approached building his community the opposite way that most of us do today. He invited people to join him before they understood his mission or who he was. He was inviting them into intimacy, into friendship with him. They were part of a community.
This truth reminds us that people buy into the leader or the community before they buy into the vision or beliefs of the leader or community. Belonging precedes believing precedes behaving. Being loved and accepted comes before changing our behavior.
If leaders lead a life of love and integrity and the community exudes love that is genuine, people will go on the journey, they will walk a pathway with the community that leads to change in their lives.
The movement Jesus started was radically different from the religious legalism and control of his day. Religion has a nasty way of messing up relationship. Neither top down hierarchy nor rules that govern people’s behavior do not liberate people from the burden of sin nor does it introduce them to the goodness and loving kindness of God.
On a personal note: I have done both. I have exercised controlling leadership and I have tried to “help” people with rules concerning their behavior. Neither have worked and neither has helped my own soul.
Jesus invited people to join his movement without their beliefs or their behavior getting sorted out first. Very radical. He wanted them to believe from their heart. He was going to call upon them to die for him, and he knew that no one dies for controlling leaders and legalistic churches for the right reasons. His was a revolution of the heart.

the sound of music

2009-03-28T18:52:00.008-05:00

does anyone find the method by which we hear strange? i'm listening to some old school dc talk right now, one ear bud in and the other out. clearly, i can't hear anything in my left ear because that ear bud is in my left hand, my finger over the earpiece. i wondered if i could sense the sound coming out of the small speaker, if my fingertip could feel the vibrations. which granted, doesn't make a lot of sense since it's not so much vibrations as it is sound waves.

still, my fingers, or any other part of my body for that matter, can't detect these sound waves. i can put the ear bud up to any part of my body, my hand, my chest, in my mouth, up my nose, but i sense nothing (i'll leave it to your imagination as to whether this was actually tried). except if i put that little piece of plastic in my ear. then suddenly i become aware of instruments, melody and harmonies.

how strange!

the art of taizé

2009-03-24T16:25:00.015-05:00

never before have i experienced such a natural expression of individual creativity than at taizé, an ecumenical monastery located in the rural burgundy region of eastern france. i spent most of a week at taizé recently, and was more in awe of the art i discovered there than with anything i saw at the louvre or any other museums while in paris.

what is it about art, that can mean so much or so little? i found the art at taizé to be beautiful because it was personal. i perhaps saw the brothers whose hands had made the simple pottery, etchings, and stained glass windows, whose minds had written booklets, explaining their beliefs on reconciliation, and whose hearts had overflowed to create simple melodies which were sung at prayer three times daily. they created because we are creative beings, created by God in his image and therefore bound to be creative in our nature.

many more thoughts to come on this.

taize

2009-03-08T23:04:00.005-05:00

in 5 days i'll be in an airplane over the atlantic heading for france. we'll spend 2 days in paris and then head on to taize, a small rural town in western france. there we'll be spending the rest of the week at a monastery called taize. i decided on a whim to go on this trip and i hope i'll be glad i went.

i'm slightly nervous about flying over the ocean...i don't like flying over water. i'm ok with the idea of crashing on land, but the ocean is a different story. if you make it out of the plane alive, it's not like you can just go sit somewhere and wait for help to arrive. you're kind of...well...in the middle of the ocean. oh well. france will be france.

i trust that the Lord has something to say to me this next week and so i trust that He will keep me safe. pray for me...i'm not sure why but this flying thing has me worried more than it should.

401k life

2009-02-13T13:28:00.005-06:00

i just got out of my architectural engineering management class and today we talked about comparing job offers, benefit packages, and retirement plans. we ended the hour with a 401k example. i learned that if i start working at age 24, make $50K a year, contribute 5% of my income to my 401k with the company matching 2.5% that i will retire in 42 years with approximately 2.5 million dollars. then the teacher said, "every one of you will have at least 2 million when you retire. you'll need more because 2.5 million won't be worth as much in 42 years. but you'll all be millionaires." i put my pencil down.

i felt trapped and disgusted. do i have a choice? is sitting here in this major, in this classroom destining me to become something i have no control over? because that's how it feels. the pull is so strong. over the years the command to be loyal to success and professionalism has washed over me so many times i have become numb to it.

the department of architectural engineering is an automaton factory. it produces mindless followers. everyone reaches the same conclusions about what is important. everyone agrees on how to dress for interviews, how to speak with employers, and what the acceptable procedure/format is for our homework. we pretend we are talking to building owners (our instructors) when we give presentations. we even dress up for them! what kind of sick fantasy is this? i was offered a polo by a girl in my group when i wasn't wearing the appropriate clothing for a mock company presentation, though i knew it was coming and kept this in mind when i got dressed that morning. i went home and changed.

the sad part is that everyone is happy about this. eagerly awaiting their chance to graduate and make it big in industry. students throw around numbers like they have no value. they check their stocks in the computer lab and complain about how they're doing. and they're more than happy to tell you what their return is on their online savings account.

honestly, what's the big deal about retirement anyway? really? 2.5 million? what exactly are you planning to do in the last 10-20 years of your life? people like to believe they go somewhere nice when they die. but i'm not sure they really believe it. why else does everyone seem so intent on creating their own personal heaven during the last years of their lives?

i refuse to 'save' myself for retirement. i refuse to 'take care of my body' so that i can use it well when i'm 60. use it well for WHAT? will i be able to go back and pour myself out into all the missed opportunities?

i want to be well used when i die. i want to be worn out. faded. torn. chipped. dinged up. repaired. stripped and repainted.

partly in defiance i chose to do senior project MEP (mechanical, electrical, plumbing) instead of structural. and i'm going to be a carpenter after college instead of an engineer. this confuses the crap out of almost everyone i talk to. they don't get it. why would i switch things up? when everyone starts to think they have me figured out, when they have me put in my little cubby and know my place, it makes me mad. and i won't be defined by what everyone else thinks i should be.

i don't think anyone's trying to do it on purpose. the professors are generally good people. but something's just not right about it.

seaton hall, we have made so many memories together. but i won't miss you.

creation

2009-01-29T12:32:00.017-06:00

this morning i was thoroughly enjoying the warm sun on my face and the cool breeze on my way to class. the air was so crisp and clean, it felt so dense and pure as i drew in each breath. what a gift! i love days like today. what is it about beautiful days that completely enthralls me, that makes me so happy? i love being outside on days like these. i love being a part of God's creation. not just observing it, but being it.

i like to think about the wind and how it's a picture of God's spirit, how he put the breath of life into us and how we became living souls. i like to imagine the wind as the spirit of God, constantly moving, always there. breathing in that air reminds me of breathing in God's spirit, which is what constantly sustains me and keeps me alive. i think there's more to be said about our connection to nature than most people have said. or maybe i don't read enough. either way, i was thinking this morning about the times when i don't enjoy creation: breathing in polluted air or smog from cars, swimming in dirty water, seeing fields or trails or forests covered with trash.

and i had this thought.

what happened to creation (nature) when sin entered this world and satan roamed the earth? was he only focused on destroying humans? or was he after more? obviously i don't think satan chops down trees or pollutes our waters, but did he use us to destroy parts of the world for him? the parts God deemed "good?" are there other things besides the fruit that we have taken and consumed (eaten) because we saw it was good for ________ (whatever our motives were)?

now i'm not your typical environmentalist, but what would it look like if the world became entirely polluted, without clean rivers and oceans, without forests of huge trees that sustain so much life? what if there were no more nature preserves, no areas that remain as they were created? how would that shape our understanding of Jesus as the vine and us as the branches? what would bearing fruit mean? would the offer for all who are thirsty to freely come and drink from the river of life be as enticing?

until this morning, i don't know if i've ever been so appreciative of the areas that we have protected in their natural state. i used to make fun of them, but i'm so glad that there are people seeking to care for the earth.

i've been having a longing to go be in the wilderness lately. i want to go hiking. maybe camp. want to go?

three followers

2009-01-28T23:36:00.005-06:00

today i learned that i have three followers. of my blog.

and although i'm happy about this, it seriously CREEPS me out.

why are they following me all of a sudden? how long have they been following?

what did these people have to do to become followers?

i'm pretty sure i never laid out any ground rules for following my blog...

GROUND RULES FOR FOLLOWING MY BLOG:

1. don't be a creeper. please.

2. don't be a hater.

ok, feel free to join now. i eagerly await the masses.

reluctant...reluctance?

2009-01-27T22:18:00.006-06:00

i just realized that i can write anything on this blog. yes, obviously. but what may not be so obvious is that i have a tendency to wait to unveil parts of myself, or wait until i have everything figured out (a plan), and then announce it to the world. which, ironically enough, is the exact opposite of what i want this blog to be about. which, ironically enough, is the reason why i have been waiting to post something. so what if i don't have everything figured out?

here's to overcoming my reluctance for action. wow, this is harder than i thought.

reluctant defiance

2009-01-19T16:48:00.011-06:00

it is the enigma of wanting to change the world without changing yourself.

it is the reason for all those mountaintops and valleys.

or ditches. or holes. or, more appropriately,

v o i d s .

not a location,

not just a state of mind, but a state of heart. an emptiness

what happened?

i think, helplessly compassionate,

you felt the need for change. you needed change to come.

but you could not change yourself.

or what is that, rather impersonally,

you saw the need for change? you wanted change to come?

but you would not change yourself?

you think you want to defy the status quo.

but you don't.

you're unsure. you're unwilling. why?

true defiance acknowledges that you are part of the problem.

the status quo.

and now you want out.

but to get out you must change.

to be out, you must be different.

not just a change of mind, but a change of heart.

how easy it is to change your mind and not your heart!

defiance is hard. but it is romantic. and full of heartbreak.

you must learn to let go the things you love.

like yourself.

this is me.

overcoming my reluctant defiance.